If I Only Had the Nerve
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Jonathan Crane has developed a crush on Harley Quinn, and tries to prevent the Joker's abuse of her. Joker vows revenge, and the Scarecrow determines to find out what truly frightens the Joker.
1. Chapter 1

**If I Only Had The Nerve**

"Hey, guys, the Nutty Professor is back in the madhouse where he belongs!" chuckled the Joker as Jonathan Crane entered the Rec Room in Arkham Asylum. "Well, thank goodness! I thought this place had gotten a little too exciting lately – we really need someone around to make things boring again!"

"Good to see you too, Joker," retorted Crane, striding over to the bookcase, selecting a volume, and sitting down in an armchair on the opposite side of the room. He tried to concentrate on the words in front of him, but couldn't help glancing up at the crowd surrounding the Joker. He was the center of attention, as usual, chatting with Two-Face and Poison Ivy and Edward Nygma, with Harley Quinn hanging off his arm, gazing at Joker in adoration. Her big, wide blue eyes so sweet and tender and beautiful…

He forced his eyes back down to his book. It was like high school all over again. The popular crowd, which naturally he was excluded from, because he read books and had a brain. And the most popular guy in school with the prettiest girl on his arm, the prettiest, sweetest, most sincere girl he had ever met, the nicest, friendliest, most beautiful creature in the world…

"Thank goodness you're back!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, sitting down next to him and startling him from his thoughts. "I felt as if I'd been abandoned to the Jabberwocky, with not another intelligent soul to speak to."

"No one in here is dumb, Jervis," replied Crane. "But thank you. It's good to see you again too."

"Oh yeah, I forgot we had Tetch to make things boring too!" laughed Joker suddenly, noticing him. "Well, I guess forgetting him is pretty easy to do – that's kinda the point really!" he chuckled. "Geez, I can already feel this room becoming depressing with failure and hopelessness thanks to these losers. C'mon, baby, let's leave the nerds to their books," he said, heading for the door with Harley.

On his way past, Joker knocked Crane's book off his lap. Crane glared at him and bent over to pick it up, but Harley beat him to it, picking it up and returning it with a smile. "It's nice to have you back, Professor Crane," she said sincerely, beaming at him. "I hope we'll see you at dinner."

"Oh…yes…that is…why not," stammered Crane. "Thank you…um…Miss Quinn."

She smiled at him and he felt his heart speed up. "I've told you a hundred times, Professor, call me Harley. Everyone does."

"Except me. I call her useless," retorted Joker, laughing. "C'mon, you dumb broad, it's not nice to encourage the socially retarded to speak."

"Puddin', don't be mean!" she said, but she still smiled at him adoringly. "See you later, Professor. Mr. Tetch."

"H…Harley," stammered Crane, gazing after her until she was out of sight.

He felt Tetch's hand on his arm. "Stop it now," he murmured. "It won't do any good. I, of all people, know the pain and sting of unrequited love – it is sharper than the Bandersnatch's tooth. Crush it now before it's too late."

"It's already too late," muttered Crane, crushing the book in his hand. "What does she see in that clown?!"

"Best not to ask," replied Tetch. "I don't think anyone really knows. It's like the answer to 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?' An unsolved riddle."

"I imagine Nygma could think up an answer for you," retorted Crane.

"An answer to what?" asked Nygma, coming over to them.

"To the riddle 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?'," retorted Crane. "And also to what Harley sees in the clown."

"As to the first, Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both," replied Nygma. "As to the second, God only knows."

"Apparently he's quite the Casanova," said Ivy, coming over. "An exceptionally wild and creative lover with a lot of stamina. Not that I ever wanted to know that, but Harley volunteers these things without you asking, no matter how many times you tell her it makes you physically sick to think about it."

Crane shuddered, sitting back down. "Talk about the stuff of nightmares," he muttered, returning to his book.

"Why do you wanna know?" asked Ivy.

"Just curious, my dear, that's all," replied Crane.

Ivy studied him closely. "You're not sweet on J, are you?" she asked, gently.

"On…no!" snapped Crane. "I'm not inclined that way at all! What made you think that?"

Ivy shrugged. "The accent, I guess. And, y'know, the nerdy, bookish type, not a lot of relationships, that could be the reason. So you're sweet on Harley, then?"

"I'm…not…I…" stammered Crane.

"You are, you're blushing," interrupted Ivy. "Gee, I'm sorry, Professor, but that's tough. I've tried for a long time to get Harley to see reason, but there's no saving her from that particular form of insanity, I'm afraid. She'll be with Joker forever. You should try to forget about her and focus on someone else."

"Thank you for your input, Miss Ivy," retorted Crane, turning his attention back to his book. "I shall certainly bear it in mind. But I hope you won't be too terribly offended if I ask you to mind your own business and leave me in peace? I did just lose a fight to the Bat, and had to endure seeing the woman I care for on the arm of another man, and a rather horrible man at that. It isn't what you might call a spectacular day, and I'd like to try to forget about it and focus on my work, if it's all the same to you."

Ivy shrugged again. "Just trying to help," she said, walking away.

"We'll leave you to it, old boy," said Tetch, as he and Nygma left. "Let us know if we can do anything."

Crane nodded, and tried to absorb himself in his book. It didn't work. He saw words in front of him but couldn't focus on their meaning. All he could see was Harley's beautiful face, smiling sincerely and sweetly at him. And even though he knew it would be painful to see her at dinner, where she would no doubt still be clinging to the clown, he was impatient for the time to pass so that he could see her, just see her, and be near her again. That was enough for now. But he was afraid it might not always be. He was afraid of his feelings for her, and what they might drive him to do. He thought himself the master of fear, but love was a whole new kind of terror he could never have prepared himself for.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey look, Harley, fish!" exclaimed Joker at dinner that night as their meals were placed on the table in front of them. "You love fish, don't you, pooh?" he said, turning to her and beaming.

Harley stared at the food before her in disgust. "I hate fish, Mr. J," she muttered. She raised her hand to attract the attention of the one of the attendants.

"Is there a problem, Dr. Quinzel?" he asked, coming over to her.

"Yeah. I can't eat fish. I put this down on my admission form under the special dietary requirements section."

"Is it an allergy?" asked the attendant.

"I dunno," replied Harley. "I just really don't like it. It makes me physically sick to eat it. May I please have something else?"

"If it's not an allergy, I'm afraid we're unable to accommodate personal requests," replied the attendant. "You'll have to eat what you're given."

Harley's eyes narrowed. "Look, buster, I don't like your tone. I did ask nicely, so I expect to receive some courtesy back. And I'm kinda mentally unstable. Don't think it would be a great idea to upset me. Get it?"

"If you're going to make threats, Dr. Quinzel, you will have to be taken back to your cell and restrained," replied the attendant.

"Sounds like a party to me!" chuckled Joker. "But I do think you should do whatever you can to accommodate my Harley girl, sport. I don't like seeing her upset, not unless I'm the one who upset her. And you don't want to annoy me, do you, pal? You know it's not very fun when that happens, right?"

"This is your last warning about threats," retorted the attendant. "Sit quietly and eat your dinner, or you'll be escorted back to your cells. No exceptions."

And he strode off. "Jerk," snorted Harley. "But thanks for fighting my corner, puddin'," she murmured, kissing Joker's cheek.

"Here, Harley, I'll trade you my potatoes and broccolli for your fish," said Ivy, who sat on the other side of her. "I don't like eating vegetables if I can avoid it anyway."

"Thanks, Red," replied Harley, smiling at her. "Though I ain't a huge fan of broccolli either," she muttered, picking at it.

"Well, I guess it won't kill you to skip a meal, Harley," said Joker. "Wouldn't want you to get fat, after all, and you are starting to get a bit of a paunch!" he laughed, slapping her stomach.

Panic shot into Harley's eyes. "Yeah?" she said, looking down. "You think so, Mr. J? Gee, I've been working out the same as usual and I don't think I've been eating more…Red, you think I'm getting fat?" she asked, turning to Ivy.

"No, of course I don't, Harley," growled Ivy. "You've always been thin as a rail, and that hasn't changed in the slightest."

Harley nodded, but kept staring down at her stomach. "Maybe I could start skipping the desserts," she murmured to herself. "I probably eat too much chocolate anyway. And I could extend my workout time…"

"Harley, don't be stupid," snapped Ivy. "You look fine. Doesn't she, J?"

"Oh yeah, fine," he replied, grinning. "From this angle, sure. Most of the fat goes straight to her ass, y'know."

"You really think so, Mr. J?" asked Harley, desperately. "You think I've got a fat ass?"

"For God's sake, J, there's no fat on her!" shouted Ivy. "Stop joking about this now before you give her a complex! I don't want Harley starving herself over some stupid gag!"

"Geez, Pammie, lighten up," retorted Joker. "If I can't tease my little pooh bear, who can I tease?"

"You were just teasing, weren't you, puddin'?" asked Harley, pleadingly. "You don't really think I'm getting fat, do you?"

"Of course not, pumpkin pie," he murmured. "Now give Daddy a kiss."

Harley beamed, squeaked happily, and brought her lips to his. Everyone was stunned when Joker seized her face in his hands and thrust his tongue into her mouth in what appeared to be a moment of genuine and unrestrained passion.

It was explained a few moments later when he drew away and Harley suddenly choked, and started coughing. Joker laughed hysterically as she struggled to breathe, her face turning red, until she at last managed to spit out the bite of fish he had slipped into her mouth.

"I just take your breath away, don't I, baby?" he giggled as Harley panted.

"That…ain't funny…Mr. J!" she gasped, gulping down air.

Joker's expression instantly changed from manically happy to insanely dangerous. He suddenly struck her violently across the face, knocking her off her chair. "Don't you dare tell me what is and isn't funny, you stupid girl!" he shouted.

Harley had fallen onto her back, and he kicked her in the face before anyone could react. Ivy and the guards had started forward, but Crane, who had been seated across from them and watching the whole thing, was the one who reached Harley first, and stood protectively over her.

"Don't touch her, clown," he growled.

"Don't try to be a hero, Johnny, they don't do well against me," muttered Joker.

"You're not going to hurt her again," said Crane, firmly. "Leave her alone now."

"Don't try to tell me what to do with my own property, Johnny," retorted Joker.

"She's not your property, you sick freak!" shouted Crane. "She's not anybody's property, certainly not that of a vile, disgusting excuse for a human being!"

The room was stunned into silence. Joker was staring at Crane in astonishment. "What did you call me?" he murmured.

"A vile, disgusting excuse for a human being," repeated Crane, firmly. "It's about time someone was brave enough to tell you the truth. No one's amused by you, Joker, no one finds you funny. The only joke you're actually capable of is the joke of your existence, and that got old a long time ago. I can only hope it ends soon, for everyone's sake, but especially Harley's. She deserves better than the punchline to a joke nobody laughs at."

You could have heard a pin drop. The atmosphere in the room was beyond tense. "You…" began Joker, starting forward to attack Crane, but he was seized by a group of guards. "You're dead, Crane!" shrieked Joker, his eyes blazing fury as he was dragged out of the room. "You're gonna have a lot to be afraid of in the future, Professor, get me? You're dead!"

Crane glared after him until he disappeared, then instantly knelt down to see to Harley. "Are you all right?" he asked, gently.

"Yeah," she gasped, gazing at him in amazement. "Professor, what…why…"

"Are you out of your mind?" gasped Tetch.

"We're all mad here, Jervis," replied Crane, holding out his hand to Harley and helping her to her feet. "And there comes a time when a man has to stop being afraid. He has to stand up and face the fears that hold him back from action. Especially when someone else is depending on him to do so."

Harley gaped at him, absolutely stunned. "No…no one has ever stood up to Mr. J before," she murmured. "How did you…why did you…he'll kill you!"

"It's a small price to pay for your safety, my dear," replied Crane. "Do allow me to escort you to the nurse's office."

They were both escorted there under a guard. While the nurse went to get some antiseptic and bandages from the cupboard next door, Harley continued to stare at Crane in astonishment. Then she cleared her throat. "Look, Professor Crane, I'm really grateful to you for standing up for me like that…"

"No decent man would do any less, child," he replied.

"And don't get me wrong, it was a really sweet thing to do, and I really appreciate it. But, see, the thing is, Professor…"

"Oh please, it's Jonathan," he interrupted. "Or Johnny, if you prefer."

"Um…ok…Jonathan, see, the thing is…I don't really like people coming between me and Mr. J. People don't always get us, and they sometimes mean well and try to help when really they only make things worse…I don't like to see him upset, see, and people getting in his way upsets him. I don't like to see him in a bad mood, and I'm afraid he'll be very angry about this for a long time. I don't like it when he doesn't smile. Plus now he wants to get even with you, and I don't like the thought of you getting hurt on my conscience. So if this kinda thing happens again, can you please…um…not do anything?"

Crane stared at her. "Harley, he was beating you."

"Yeah, I deserved it," she replied. "I shouldn't have said he wasn't funny. Anyway, I don't mind it, not really. It happens all the time…"

"That doesn't make it right!" snapped Crane.

"It's not about right or wrong, Johnny, it's about who we are," replied Harley. "It's our business, and I really wish you hadn't interfered in it. It's gonna be really hard for me to talk Mr. J outta killing you, but I will try my hardest, I promise. It's the least I can do," she added, smiling tenderly at him.

"I don't understand," murmured Crane. "I rescued you…"

"Yeah, well, I didn't ask to be rescued, Johnny," retorted Harley. "I'm not some helpless damsel in distress, y'know, and Mr. J ain't no dragon. He's my knight in shining armor, and maybe it's black armor and a little tarnished, but that's the way I like it. I don't need another knight. But like I said, it was a real sweet thing to do, and I am grateful for the thought, really. I hope you're not mad, and that we can still be friends."

She was beaming at him, so sweetly and so sincerely, that Crane didn't have the heart to be angry with her, even though he was fuming inwardly. "Yes…of course…don't worry, Harley," he stammered. "Well, if you're sure you're ok, I'll just be going."

"Thanks again, Johnny," she said. "You're a sweet guy, really."

"Is she all right?" asked Tetch as Crane returned to the cafeteria.

"She's completely out of her mind, but yes, physically she's fine," retorted Crane. "She was actually trying to defend the bastard to me, Jervis. After he treated her like that."

Tetch shrugged. "She wouldn't be here if she weren't mad. Nor would she put up with him."

"She asked me kindly not to interfere between them again," continued Crane.

"Yeah, she does that with me too," sighed Ivy. "I've tried to listen, really, but it's hard to just ignore an abusive relationship. Especially when you care for someone in it."

"Yes indeed," snapped Crane. "I wonder…" he trailed off.

"What?" asked Tetch.

"I wonder what the clown is afraid of," murmured Crane, quietly. "What he truly fears most in the world. Could be an interesting experiment. And perhaps he would learn his lesson about bullying others and making them feel afraid."

"You can't use fear toxin on the Joker!" exclaimed Tetch. "He'll kill you!"

"Apparently he will already," replied Crane. "And it would be in the interests of science, after all. We must risk some personal sacrifice for that cause."

"I can't deny I'd love to see the bastard writhing in fear," murmured Ivy, her eyes alight. "Can you make sure to gas him somewhere where I can see it?"

"My dear, I will make it a public spectacle," he replied. "If anything will take his massive ego down a peg, it will be screaming like a baby in front of his rival villains. I wouldn't dream of depriving you the pleasure of seeing the terror in his eyes."

"This isn't a good idea, Jonathan…" began Tetch.

"Do you have a better one?" Crane demanded. "Oh yes, you do! Cower in fear from the brute and stand idly by while he beats that precious woman senseless! I refuse to be afraid of him anymore, Jervis! And I refuse to let Harley suffer at his hands anymore! Even if she doesn't want my help, she needs it! And since there's no hero to save her, I'm the only hope she's got."


	3. Chapter 3

"'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'to talk of many things, of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings,'" murmured Tetch, leaning against the wall and looking about at the empty hallway.

"Couldn't we have chosen a shorter code for 'the coast is clear'?" snapped Crane, appearing from behind the corner.

"You're just lucky I'm helping you at all," snapped Tetch. "This is a terrible idea, Jonathan, and it'll be off with our heads if we're caught. Not to mention what the Joker is going to do to us, which I imagine will be worse than beheading."

"You can tell him you had nothing to do with it," retorted Crane. "Which is true. You're just the lookout. He has no reason to hurt you."

"You're speaking of reason in relation to the Joker," retorted Tetch. "Rather a paradox, wouldn't you agree?"

"I would agree that he is as mad as the rest of us," replied Crane. "Which is to say, he has his own reasons for all he does. They must make sense to him."

"And to Harley," said Tetch. "Do you actually believe she's going to like you any better after you torture her lover?"

"I'm not doing this for me, I'm doing this for her," he snapped. "I'm doing this so that in future he might think of treating her with a little more respect."

"You're doing this as petty vengeance for him hitting her," retorted Tetch. "The Joker isn't suddenly going to learn his lesson about abusing her just because you terrify him. It's going to only make him angrier at you. This whole plan is just nonsense."

"Well, you'd know a lot about that, wouldn't you?" snapped Crane. "Now just shut up and keep an eye out."

He slipped into the room nearest them. The kitchen was empty at the moment, but Crane used the utmost stealth in opening the cupboard and removing a cup. He reached into his pocket and withdrew a vial, which he uncorked. He poured a few drops from it onto his glove, and then gently rubbed it around the rim of the cup. Then he took a marker and pressed a little dot into the plastic, and returned it to the cupboard.

"'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter, 'You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none – And this was scarcely odd because, they'd eaten every one," said Tetch from outside the door. That was the signal that someone was approaching, so Crane swiftly crept out of the room. They both managed to get around the corner in time, avoiding the attendant who was walking down the hall and making for the kitchen.

"Mission accomplished?" asked Tetch.

Crane nodded. "There's a dot on it. Help me watch for it at dinner. That's Joker's cup. Although I think the joke might be on him tonight."

The Joker was under heavy guard at dinner that night, and chained so that he could only eat with Harley's help. She fed him bits of food, murmuring tenderly into his ear as he glared across the table at Crane. Crane didn't return the stare, looking around at the attendants passing out the cups instead. He caught Tetch's eye, who nodded and swapped the cup with his while the attendant was turned away. Crane nodded at him, then turned to face the Joker.

"J, I just wanted to apologize for my behavior the other day," said Crane, smiling sincerely. "I've spoken to Harley and she appears to have forgiven you, so I see no reason why I shouldn't as well. I was in the wrong. I should never have interfered between the two of you, and I should never have said the things I did to you. Can we shake hands and be friends again?"

"Bite me," growled Joker.

"Aw, c'mon, puddin', he's said he sorry, and he really means it," said Harley. "He was just trying to protect me – it was sweet of him, really."

"You think it's sweet for him to call me names?" he demanded.

"No, puddin', of course not, but names don't hurt you, do they?" she asked. "And he didn't mean it. Of course you're funny, puddin', everyone thinks you're funny. Everyone just thinks you're the greatest. I certainly do, and isn't that the most important thing, my big, bad, strong lover? That your Harley girl loves you very, very much?"

"Get offa me, you clingy bitch!" he shouted, head-butting her. The guards rushed forward and Joker shouted, "Ok, ok, I'll be good! Harley, baby, Daddy didn't mean it. Come back here, sweets."

His tone had immediately changed from furious to tender, and the guards lowered their weapons and backed away. Harley gently leaned her head against his shoulder, stroking his hair and continuing to feed him. "You're right, pooh bear, you know," he said, glaring at Crane again. "What does it matter what this loser says? Nobody respects him, do they? Some nerdy college professor who got tired of teaching spoiled rich kids and decided to become a criminal instead. Might as well have wasted his life away in academia. Who knows him? Who cares about him? You're not even notorious outside of Gotham, are you, Professor? Tell me, how is wasting your life plotting failed crimes any different to teaching spoiled rich kids? None of it makes a difference. You're still wasting your life, Professor, except now you're doing it in a stupid costume. Tell me, what have you actually accomplished? Oh sure, you've made your little fear gas, but what is that really? It's a drug that makes people freak out. Most drugs do that, or so I hear. Don't touch them myself – I'm just high on life. But you're a fraud, Professor. A fake. A cheater. Using drugs to scare people – anyone can do that. It takes real power to break people's minds for real, without the help of artificial stimulants. Take Harley here. She's my little Harley Quinn, my devoted little pet, my crazy little bitch, who I drove crazy just by talking to her. That's power, Crane. That's why people are afraid of me. They've seen what I do to people, not just physically, but with their minds. And that's true fear, Professor, not your cute little drugs. Nobody's afraid of you, Jonathan Crane. Nobody's afraid of the Scarecrow, mostly because they ain't crows. They're afraid of the fear toxin. Fear of fear itself. Roosevelt had that one pegged back in the 30s. You're behind the times, Professor. An ancient, useless, worthless old fossil of a creature nobody was scared of to begin with. But everyone is afraid of the Joker. Everyone. So who's the master of fear now, Johnny, old boy?"

Crane was glad he needed to cause a ruckus anyway, because he wasn't taking that sitting down. He leapt to his feet and knocked the dishes over, seizing the Joker's collar and pulling him across the table. In the commotion, Tetch swapped cups with the Joker, as the attendants pulled Joker and Crane apart. Joker was giggling. "Hit a nerve there, did I, Johnny? See what I mean? Real fear comes from just speaking the truth. Face it, Professor. You're a loser. You've always been a loser. You never win. You can't hurt Batman, you can't master fear, you can't even get a girlfriend! All three of which I have accomplished. You just need to accept that in this life, there are winners and there are losers. I'm a winner. And you're a loser."

Crane smiled grimly. "Shall we drink to that?" he asked, raising his cup.

Joker smiled back. "Harley, give Daddy his drink."

Harley raised the cup to Joker's lips and he drank. Crane smiled as he watched. Then his face fell suddenly in horror as Harley took a drink from the same cup.

"Now can't we all be friends again?" she asked, putting down the cup and wiping her lips. "Johnny, Mr. J, please. No more name-calling, huh?"

"Of course, pooh, whatever you want," he said, kissing her. "No hard feelings, eh, Johnny?"

Crane gaped at Harley, feeling his heart hammering in fear. "Why did you…" he gasped. "You weren't supposed to…"

"Something wrong, Johnny?" asked Harley, concerned. "What is it?"

"N…nothing," stammered Crane. "Nothing. Look, I have to go. Need to go get…something from my cell."

He rushed from the room back to his cell and began ransacking it. "Antidote, antidote, where is the damn antidote?!" he muttered, desperately.

He gave a cry of triumph as he found it, holding up the vial. Then he suddenly heard a shrill scream from the down the hall. "Jonathan, you'd better get back in the cafeteria, quick!" exclaimed Tetch, who suddenly appeared in the doorway. "I told you this was a terrible idea! It's Harley, she…"

Crane raced back down the hall into the cafeteria, where the attendants were clustered around two figures. Crane pushed through them to see Joker lying in Harley's arms. She was screaming and sobbing over him, and he was pointing at the corner and crying, "There! Over there, Harley! He's lying just over there! Don't you see him?!"

"No, who, puddin'?" sobbed Harley. "You ain't making any sense, Mr. J!"

"He's there, Harley!" shouted Joker. "And he's dead! Bats is dead! Who did it, pooh, you have to tell me! Who killed him?! I'll make them pay! It was my right to kill him! Mine, and no one else's! And now he's dead, Harley! Who did it?! Tell me!"

"Bats ain't there, Mr. J!" cried Harley. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Harley, I've got nothing left!" he shouted, seizing her shoulders. "What am I going to do?! Bats is dead! There's no joke anymore, no punchline, no laughter! It's gone, all gone! I don't know what to do! I can't…this can't be happening…I…"

He froze suddenly, gasping for breath. "Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, as the attendants seized him and dragged him away to the medical ward. He clung to her, convulsing, until the guards forced her away, then she collapsed in a heap on the floor, sobbing. Crane embraced her gently, shushing her.

"He's gonna be all right, Johnny, isn't he?" she exclaimed, clutching at his shirt, her eyes wild and desperate. "He's gonna be just fine, ain't he?"

"Of course, I'm sure he is," murmured Crane, soothingly. "Harley, I need you to drink this for me. It's very important," he said, holding out the vial to her.

Harley didn't seem to see it. Her eyes were wild with fear. "He's gotta be ok, Johnny, he's just gotta!" she cried. "I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't ok!"

"Harley, please drink it," said Crane, desperately. "Things will seem a lot less frightening if you just…"

But she leapt to her feet suddenly as an attendant returned. "How is he?" she demanded, rushing over to him and seizing his collar. "He's ok, ain't he? Tell me he's ok!"

The attendant looked at her. "I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, Dr. Quinzel," he said, gently but firmly. "But the Joker is dead."


	4. Chapter 4

"You killed the Joker," said Tetch quietly, later that night. He and Crane were alone and seated in his cell. Crane was nursing a strong glass of whiskey, staring straight ahead, lost in the horror of what he had had to witness. He had had to watch the woman he cared for suffer a complete mental breakdown, and it was enough to put him off fear for the rest of his life. The terror in her eyes, the agony, the pain, made the very thought of forcing others to suffer seem completely unbearable. He was thinking very seriously of giving up the fear obsession and returning to teaching college kids. But no matter what he did in the future, he could never forget the agony Harley had been in. He could never drown out the sound of her screams, and her sobs, which still rang through the empty halls of Arkham. He could never forget her face, the indescribable agony in her face, the cruelest torture he could ever have imagined. He wouldn't have wished that on the Joker, let alone on Harley. But it had all gone wrong. Because he could never win. Because he was a loser, and could never do anything right. He deserved this, for trying to be anything else.

"Can't say the bastard didn't have it coming," he muttered, downing his glass.

"Oh, nobody will shed any tears for him, except Harley," replied Tetch. "Still, not the result you desired, I believe."

"No," agreed Crane. "But then I rarely achieve the results I desire. I don't know why I bother even trying sometimes. Nothing ever works out the way I want it to. It sometimes seems as if there's some sort of curse on me, dooming me to perpetual failure."

"We are men of science, Jonathan," said Tetch. "We don't believe in curses."

"But you have to admit, it does seem that way sometimes, doesn't it?" he asked. "Why do we always lose, Jervis? To Batman, to everyone? Why does life seem to want us always to fail? Why can't we ever get what we want, just once? I don't think I've ever accomplished a successful scheme against the Bat. Nor, for all his talk, did Joker, really. But he's right – at least he got the girl. A taste of happiness neither of us will ever have. Why must we remain unrequited, Jervis?"

He was silent. "Well, in my case, it's the way my story is written," said Jervis at last, quietly. "I'm the Mad Hatter. There could never be anything between him and Alice. My character isn't meant to be happy – just mad. Which does make one happy in a way, I suppose. But we all have stories, Jonathan, and set parts to play within them. We're not all the heroes of our own stories. We're not even all the villains. Sometimes we're the comic relief, the sidekick, the unrequited lover. It's just the way we're written. I'm not a man who believes in fate or destiny or anything like that – I'm a scientist. But I do believe that you can't alter your path in life. Oh, perhaps in little ways you can. But there's no escaping your identity, there's no changing who you are. And it's no good wishing you were someone else. People will tell you you can be anything you want to be, but you can't really be anyone else than who you are, you see? If that's the hero, you must accept that, and be the hero. If it's the villain, you must accept that too. There's no good fighting who you are, or trying to be someone else. I am the Mad Hatter. I have accepted my role, and I am happier for it. You are Scarecrow, the Master of Fear. You mustn't try to be Harley's lover – that's the Joker. Or it was, before you killed him, and now her path is one she walks alone. You and I, we're tragic figures. And we must be forever alone. That is our role. Don't fight it. Just accept it."

Crane nodded slowly. "At least it will spare me the pain of hoping things can be different," he murmured.

"Indeed it will," agreed Jervis, nodding. "And our lives are painful enough with adding hope to them. Best to let it go."

"I wish it were that simple, Jervis, I really do," sighed Crane.

"I know it isn't," he murmured, quietly. "But try your best."

He stood up. "Try to get some rest, too. Things will look better in the morning."

"Do you think Harley will be able to sleep tonight?" murmured Crane.

"No. But there's no reason for you both to suffer," replied Tetch.

"It's my fault," replied Crane. "All my fault."

"Yes, it is," agreed Tetch. "Accept that, and move on. As Harley will have to, because that is the turn her path has taken, and she cannot change it. None of us can. Goodnight, Jonathan."

"Goodnight, Jervis," replied Crane as Tetch left his cell. Crane poured himself another drink and thought over what Tetch had said. He tried not to listen to Harley's sobs, but there was no way to drown them out. At last, he lay down and closed his eyes, trying futiley to fall asleep.

It must have worked, for he awoke to the sound of silence. Harley had stopped sobbing. He hoped the poor woman had fallen asleep at last. Grateful for small blessings, he shut his eyes again.

"You wanted me to drink something earlier. What was it?" said a quiet voice from the darkness.

Crane sat bolt upright and saw Harley appearing from the shadows of his cell, her arms folded aross her chest. There was a strange look in her eyes, red from sobbing, a mad glint he hadn't seen there before.

"How did you…get in here?" stammered Crane.

"What was it, Johnny?" she repeated.

"It was…um…an…an…antidote," he stammered.

"An antidote for what?" she murmured.

"For the…um…"

"For the fear toxin you gave me and Mr. J, was that it?" she asked, quietly. "It was in his cup, wasn't it? You didn't mean for me to drink it, you only meant to scare him. And you did, Johnny. You scared him to death."

"Harley…"

"I thought it might have been the fear toxin at first, 'cause that's the thing that scares me most in this world, the thought of Mr. J dying," she continued. "But it's real. It's really happened. And it's all your fault."

"Harley, you don't understand…"

"Didn't I tell you to stay out of our business?" she growled. "Didn't I warn you not to come between us again?! And now he's dead because of you! Do you have any idea what I'm going to do to you, Johnny?!"

"Harley…"

"I'm going to kill you! But I won't make it short and sweet, Johnny, not for the man who killed Mr. J! I'm gonna make you suffer just like he suffered at the end, terrified and begging for your life! I'm gonna make you regret even thinking about hurting him! You may think you have mastered fear, but I'm gonna make you face a whole new kinda terror! I'll start by crippling you, so you can't escape," she said, withdrawing a gun. "Guys can live a long time with bullets in their legs, y'know. But of course you know! You're the master of fear! How does it feel now?! To realize that everything you are is just one big joke nobody laughs at?! Tell me how it feels!"

"It feels…utterly terrifying," whispered Crane.

She aimed the gun at his leg. Crane shut his eyes tightly, his heart beating in terror.

And then he heard a laugh. A maniacal, hysterical laugh, a laugh that he knew. "Gotcha, Johnny!"

He opened his eyes in astonishment to see the Joker standing beside Harley, gently patting her head. "Great job, Harley girl!" he exclaimed, grinning at Crane. "I was scared of you myself for a second there!"

"Really, Mr. J?" asked Harley, excitedly. She was beaming in happiness at him.

"No, not really," he retorted. "But it did the trick for the Professor, didn't it, Johnny?" he laughed.

Crane blinked, thinking that either this must be a dream, or he had gone truly mad.

"Nope, ain't a ghost, Johnny boy!" laughed Joker. "Go ahead, pinch me!" he said, holding out his arm.

Crane obeyed slowly. "What in heaven's name is going on?" he gasped.

"Well, either I'm Jesus come back from the dead, or I wasn't really dead to begin with," replied Joker, grinning. "And I don't think it's the former – the big J and I don't really see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. That whole 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' thing – not really my style. Although funnily enough, in this case, it is!" he chuckled.

"I don't understand…" began Crane.

"It's a joke, Johnny!" he exclaimed, throwing up his arms. "Don't you get it?"

"A…joke?" stammered Crane.

"Yeah! A real killer gag too!" chuckled Joker. "See, I was really intending to kill you for what you did and said to me. But then Harley came and begged me not to, and I just can't say no to the little minx when she gives me those big, pleading, baby blues," he murmured, tilting her chin up. Harley squeaked and leaned forward to kiss him, but he pinched her nose and continued. "But I did need some kind of revenge, you see? So I thought about old Mr. H. Christ, and what he said about giving as good as you got, and that gave me an idea! You'd said to me that I wasn't funny, that my persona as the Joker was all a lie, so I decided to make that happen to you and let you see how it felt! I decided to terrify the so-called Master of Fear so that he became a scared, shaking mess! Not only would it be hilarious, but it would teach you a lesson about name-calling too!"

"But…the fear toxin…" began Crane.

"Oh, please, Johnny, you are so predictable!" laughed Joker. "What else would you have used for your own little petty revenge but fear toxin? And when you suggested drinking, it didn't take me long to discover where you had hidden it. But see, the thing about liquid poisoning is that you have to swallow it so it interferes with the system. And if you'll recall, I rubbed mine off on Harley by kissing her, and she wiped her lips. And after you ran out of the room, we began the show. My Harley girl is just the greatest little actress anyone could hope for, and I like to think I'm not so bad an actor myself. Good enough to fake my own death anyway. And after that, all it took was threatening one of the attendants to go tell you the good news. It really couldn't have been simpler!"

Crane stared from him to Harley. "So that…breakdown…was just an act?"

"Well, yeah and no," replied Harley, frowning. "See, I sorta forgot about the fear toxin and accidentally licked my lips before I wiped them. So I had a really vivid experience of Mr. J dying. It took a lot to convince me he wasn't dead, even after he appeared in my cell. An awful lot. But it's ok, I believe it now, and he's here, and everything is just great!" she exclaimed, embracing Joker. "I'm really sorry about having to threaten you and stuff, Johnny, but it was either this or watching Mr. J kill you, and so I went along with the game. I hope you can forgive me."

"Oh…yes…I'm sure…in time…I just need a moment, if you wouldn't mind," said Crane, sitting down on his bed.

"Sure, I understand, Johnny," said Joker, patting him on the back. "Hard to accept you've lost again, isn't it? I'd think you'd be used to it by now though, really," he chuckled. "But like I said, Professor, there are winners, and there are losers. And the winners are going to go leave the losers to their solitude. Bye bye, Johnny boy! C'mon, baby, let's see if we can find that attendant who was so rude to you and torture him."

"Oooh, yeah, Mr. J, sounds like fun!" giggled Harley. She embraced Crane. "Bye, Professor Crane, see you tomorrow at breakfast!" She kissed his cheek and followed Joker out of the cell, giggling.

Crane stared after them, then put his chin in his hands, reviewing everything the Joker had said. He was half-relieved he was free of his guilty conscience, and also half-furious that he had, as the Joker rightly said, lost again. Been outsmarted by that demented maniac. It just wasn't fair.

He suddenly heard a scream, and then Joker laughing again, with Harley echoing him. The one upside of this whole experience, thought Crane, was that he found that his feelings toward Harley had cooled somewhat. It was hard to love someone who had threatened to kill you. Well, obviously Harley didn't think so, but Crane certainly did. They were just too different. It would never have worked out between them anyway. In a kind of ironic way, Crane had won in the end. He had had a problem, and it was now solved in a way that was satisfactory to everyone. That had never happened before.

Crane smiled, and lay back down on his bed. He may be a loser, but he had this one victory. It may have been small, it may have been against himself, rather than someone like Joker or Batman, but it was a victory nonetheless. And he was going to be proud of it.

**The End**


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